


What is love?

by theoneandonlylestat



Series: Behind The Scenes ~ Lestat De Lioncourt [4]
Category: Vampire Chronicles - Anne Rice
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-05-07 05:43:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14664486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoneandonlylestat/pseuds/theoneandonlylestat
Summary: No, I couldn't write my feelings back then nor I had anyone to talk about it. This is before me and Nicolas fell in love. This is what I thought and felt.





	What is love?

Auvergne - Lestat Mortal days

How many times I went to the small shops on town and they all "loved me" and they looked at me and smiled? Why? simply because of being the Marquis' son, nothing else and that went to an upper level after I killed the wolves. But, sometimes I knew when that feeling was different. The these times I went to the kennel or Nicolas's father store (Nicki wasn’t there he was studying in Paris) or any other place around the village and I saw those mothers talking to me with smile, a hug and kiss (In France it is normal to give two kisses one on each cheek to friends , family and to who you know and have confidence). So they asked me how I was doing and If I needed something or to take some of that dinner they were cooking since they saw me, too skinny or pale. I just smiled to that and accepted their offer.

But how many times I had to lie to the, to those who hugged me and asked about my family and I just had to lie and create that fake smile "Yes, very well, they are all doing well " When really I should had said, " Oh Madame, the night before I had a fight with my brother, they beat me because there was no reason or my father cursed me while having dinner and sent me to my room without having anything to eat just because I opened my mouth to ask a question or just spending the night alone in the castle, wondering why this is my life..." I couldn't say that to them or my brothers will find out and they would kill me. Sometimes I just wanted to scream and tell everybody but for what? to kill me? they will not care so I guess I will just stay and annoy them when I have a chance.

And so, so many times I wondered why those mothers, those sweet words from them it couldn't happen to me with my mother. She really didn’t love me? I know she did on her own way, but there was no gesture, no words, nothing, not even on my birthday or Christmas. I always felt I was only part of that family, like when you keep that piece of furniture and nothing else. Never known what true love is, the love that hurts when you think about that person you love and that love who you would give your life for that person.

What is a mother's love for her child? I don't know. What is the love of one brother to another? I don't know. A father's to his son? I don't know. Around the village, how many times I stare at this or that mother running towards her child who had fallen and was his knee was bleeding or her elbow was scratched and their mother hugged them and comforted them while they cried and the mother continued hugged them until they stopped crying. What was that? That child knows it was love. But bow many times I fell down the mountains or around the castle when I was a kid and nobody came to me, they just turned their heads from their seats, no words, maybe holding my crying or crying and I stopped crying and made myself to just stand up and continue walking. I thought that this was my life, that it was just normal to be like this, maybe it was just me who was different. Maybe it was all my fault.

I grew up and I started to see that this was not normal but it was just my life. And it hurt, so much, when I saw those families at church or that mother protecting their kids and hugging them and smiled at them. God, I could not even get a smile from my Mother, just a smile? Is that too much asking? But it never happened. Days, months, years passing by without having a relationship with anyone. I started to just get used to it. And then I met Nicolas. That day they came to the Castle , he and his father with the red cloak made with the skin of the wolves. When I saw him it was just an instant connection. It just click. One look and we understood each other. 

And after that moment I thought, many times, that he would not want anything with me not even to be friends because maybe he thought that I would be in some kind relationship with someone else or he really did not like me. And the truth is, I didn't know how to tell him I...I was feeling strange sensations when I was looking into his eyes or talking to him. I wanted to tell him that I haven't been with anyone else for so long, that I did not know what love is and that he only made me feel happy when we were together and that strange feeling inside me, in the center of my chest and when I thought of him, I smiled (even if I was hunting or just looking at the fireplace or eating) that when I was with him, he gave me everything I needed a smile and care. and what had always sounded and I thought I would never really know or have someone who wanted me in such a way. I was so really lost and alone before I met him that I thought that no one would be able to be my friend or show me what love is. I even thought it was someone horrible, that everything it was my fault and even wondering why I was born and alive.

The day Nicolas told me I was awesome, I was gorgeous…I was shock because nobody told me something like that before and if someone did say something similar, I could barely remember who did it or when. And what happened after that? I became more and more obsessed with him. I couldn't stop thinking about him and I was so needed to be said such beautiful words and he said those it made me addicted to him even more. But the days we were not able to see each other I felt these were eternal, and sometimes, I even asked myself if he didn't want to see me or to talk to, smile.. there were some days that I waited in my room to hear from him and nothing and I felt empty and sad.

When it he probably had to deal with his father, I could see it in his eyes and did not want to ask too much about it but could not avoid to always say something about my day or to tell him he was awesome as well and sometimes I felt that perhaps I was irritating him even more. It was not my intention to do so. But my happiness was so immense that I could irritate anyone and he, being the only one with whom I felt he was my friend I felt that sometimes I said too much and then I worried and I worried because I never wanted to lose him. He was all I had. My escape to the happiness.

Nicki if you are reading this now, thank you for your patience and understanding... I know I was sometimes too anxious and bothering you when you were just stressed but the fact that I did not had anyone else around but you, you who understood me and me not knowing the meaning of real love, the love of a mother or relative or friend or acquaintance... I was just afraid of losing you.

and so....What is this letter for? I don't know, I simply wanted to explain it. You can take it, leave it, do whatever you want with it. I just needed to explain and let it go...it may have no sense to you but It does to me.


End file.
